I’m afraid I owe the staff of Big 5 an apology for the awful things my Brain said about them. Not that they will ever know, however. So I guess that means I owe them a mental apology. Among the nasty things I viciously thought about them is that they are stupid morons that think Reebok is the location of the hidden Rebel base. (Star Wars reference. Move along)
Anyway, I was in Big 5 the other day looking for running shoes. No one could help me. Which really frustrated me because I was holding a squirmy baby in my arms. I considered putting him down and allowing him to release his wrath upon the neatly placed bike helmets. I could tell he so badly wanted to take a tennis racket to the athletic body of a headless mannequin, but instead waited squirmingly in my arms like a second string player warming the bench.
I asked the cashier for assistance in the shoe department. She looked me up and down with one of those “Who do you think you are?’ looks and then said, “There’s somebody back there, but I guess I can call him for you.”
So she did and I headed back thinking bad things about her that I mentally high-fived myself for and for which I’m still earning bad karma. I approached the shoe guy asking for the sale shoe I saw in the ad. He looked me up and down and then said:
”uh, I don’t know. I mean, uh, we have some shoes here, as you can see, but, um, I mean, we don’t put all of them out. I mean you can look, but um, I don’t know. How about these?” And he quickly held up a random pair of shoes that were not on sale and that I am not even sure were running shoes.
This confirmed my earlier thought that this guy was stupid. I wanted to ask him “You do know that New Balance is a running shoe and NOT what Luke restores to the Galaxy, right?!” In fact, my Brain was screaming it but I screwed my jaw into a tight grimace instead.
“Just give me a pair in an 8,” I told him to get him out of my face. I put the baby down to take off my shoes and that’s when I realized that wrestling with a squirming baby had squirmed my tank top right over my bosom. Before you get some sexy/slutty picture of the incident know it was a day I was wearing my mommy bra. Mommy Bra: An off-white or beige bra that is worn nearly to shreds from being forced to hold up mom boobs. Usually worn on days when laundry is piled high.
So it was then I realized, this stupid guy wasn’t geeky at all. He was simply a red-blooded man in posession of a penis in which his brain is kept like some oblong coin purse. A brain that renders him and every other man speechless with only the ability to stutter and stare at any pair of boobies no matter their size, weight or level of gravitational pull. And which, caused me to nab the first pair of shoes my credit card would pay for and head out of there.